VoldyPoo's friendenemything
by Paintedsecrets
Summary: Voldemort has a new servant that under a magical debt he cannot kill. Why did the servant have to be the most annoying person next to Fred and George?
1. Cheeky Girls and Special mugs

Disclaimer: I do not own HP. Although I wish very much I could own Draco Malfoy : Stares dreamily in space :

A/N If this is very bad please tell me so I can quit writing all day and go out and do something I'm good at. Also this fanfic was inspired by the 101 ways to annoy Voldemort. It's only short on the first chapter because I'm testing to see what people think first. Thank you :D

Chapter one

Voldemort stared into space sitting at his desk chair, his evil mind working at a fantastic rate. Ingenious plans forming in his scheming mind.

'_We are the cheeky girls, touch my bum this is lif.... Damn muggle song! Damn Blake! Got it in my head!'_

Voldemort crossed him arms moodily and sat in a sulk.

Someone backed into the room with what looked like a cake trolley. Sitting on the trolley was a mug saying 'Evil genius at work.' Tom Marvelo Riddle groaned. It was Blake. The one person who could ever annoy Voldemort the most was Blake.

He was sworn to protect Blake because of some ancient magical debt prophecy. If Blake died or was injured Voldemort would feel the same too.

Blake realised this and never missed an opportunity to irritate him.

So Blake backed into the room and started busying himself with the kettle and cutting slices of fruit cake. He turned round and smiled 'My sir, you do look particularly menacing today.'

Voldemort glared at him and narrowed his snakelike red eyes.

'Listen, Blake,' he spat his name 'Death Eater meeting this afternoon. You are NOT invited. So don't come cos I don't like you that much and I really resent you knitting me that luminous pink nose-warmer last time!'

Blake grinned as Voldemort continued 'Show your face today and I'll......I'll...um...'

'Yes Tommy-boy?'

'I'll......Don't call me Tommy-Boy!'

Blake grinned his annoying grin yet again and said 'So I can't call you Tommy-Boy?'

'No'

'Never ever?'

'Never ever!'

Blake shrugged. 'Ok then'

He turned round and pushed the trolley with the uneaten cake minus the mug which was now sitting next to Lord Voldemort's chair.

Blake turned round just as he reached the door and said 'See ya later Voldie-Poo'

The mug smashed against the door just as Blake closed it.

A/N Okay Thanks again. Chapter two is in the making now.


	2. Tupperware and Jammy Dodgers

Chapter 2.

Voldemort sat on his high throne, his lips pursed as his watched his Death-Eaters, all of them stood stock-still not daring to breathe too loudly.

He stood up suddenly and his supporters failed to control their jumping.

With his black cloak blowing about him in the wind, he started to speak.

'Sit! Now I have called this meeting about a certain scar-headed boy, we NEED to work out a plan to...' Voldemort broke off suddenly.

The death-eaters were curious as to what stopped their great, mighty master.

It became apparent when he bent down and picked up what looked like a chocolate-chip cookie...

Scanning round the circle of people, Voldemort narrowed his eyes and spat 'Blake! I know you're there! Show yourself.'

There was a sound of something like muted giggling and then a jammy dodger flew threw the air clonking him on the nose.

A snort of surprise came from the circle and Lucius Malfoy looked down to find a Tupperware lunch box in his lap filled with an assortment of biscuits.

Next to him sitting quite calmly was Blake smiling innocently and pointing to Lucius.

He turned to Malfoy and started waggling a finger at him 'Tut tut Lucius! Did your mother never tell you not to eat between meals?'

Lucius mouth was gaped in shock as he stared at the chocolate digestives, which after a quick wave of Blake's wand, sprouted legs and did a quick tap-dance.

Voldemort quavered in anger.

Swirling his cloak around him, he disapparated.

The other Death-Eaters followed suit, rather quickly for some reason.

Blake sat in his quarters, quite happily, thinking of the next plot to play on his 'friend'. He turned round and consulted his private mirror.

'So what do you think?'

'Sounds quite interesting Blake dear. Make sure you tell me the results'

'Will do'

Blake grinned. He sniggered happily and lay down to sleep. Tomorrow was going to be an eventful day. Especially for Wormtail.

A/N Sorry it's not as long, except I was running out of ideas for this one. I have slight case of writers block. Also I'm going to Scotland for 4 days then I'm off to my cousins for more days, giving me plently of time to write but not to post. So don't expect much for about a week. The next chapter should be much more eventful. And thanks to all the reviewers from the first chapter! I didn't think I would get much response.


	3. Blackbirds and Love Letters

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Disclamer: If I owned Harry Potter which I don't, I would be writing the sixth book right now not fan fictions.

A/N So woooo! Another chapter I would like to thank my reviewers so far. They have been mentioned at the bottom there. But read the chapter first.. pretty please :)!

**Chapter 3**

Lord Voldemort woke up bright and early that morning. The sun was shining and warm. He walked over to his window to see a blackbird singing merrily. It hopped closer to the window until it was sitting on the windowsill in the hope of breadcrumbs.

Voldemort lowered his hand slowly towards the bird, as it hopped closer and pushed it off the windowsill letting it fall far below him.

Laughing evilly as he heard it squawk as it hit the floor, he heard tutting from the doorway.

He turned round to see Blake leaning in the doorway shaking his head.

'Didn't your mother tell you it's not nice to bully smaller beings then yourself Tommy?'

'Tommy' growled and walked out the room, marching down the corridor.

Blake followed keeping in pace with him.

'I mean what is with you and tormenting people? I mean a blackbird today, tomorrow it'll be a defenceless kitty. I mean haven't you had enough?'

Voldemort turned a corner swiftly but to his disappointment still didn't lose Blake.

'Harry Potter! What has he ever done to you apart from surviving your killer curse, humiliating you and bringing your downfall? You gave him a scar. That's not nice. And remember Johnny Pocover from your....Primary school?'

Voldemort stood stock still in the corridor, causing Blake to bump into him.

'HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT JOHNNY POCOVER?'

Blake smiled and waved a black diary in Voldemort's face.

'You didn't need get Lucius to slip this is my cauldron for me to find it, Tommy'

Voldemort snatched it off him and stormed down the hall.

Once again he turned to find Blake behind him.

'OH YEAH! Forgot to tell you sir, I found this is Wormtails room. It was addressed to you.'

He handed the pink envelope to Voldemort and slouched off.

Voldemort opened it and a waft of strong perfume hit him in the face making him choke. The letter opened wide into a mouth shape and said in a perfect imitation of Wormtails weedy voice 'Oh Voldemort, you're divine, I wish you were mine! Meet me at the Library tonight at 7.'

Lord Voldemort threw the letter hastily into the nearby fireplace before – looking utterly disgusted – ran undignified to his room.

Hiding behind a gargoyle, Blake clapped a hand over his mouth so he wouldn't laugh too loud.

A/N Thanks R & R :)

**Lina and Mio: Thanks a lot ) It means a lot**

**Badvt: Thanks you too! **

**Pia O' Leary: Well look who it is! I HAVE REVIEWERS! I lobe my reviewers! Anyway thanks. You did make me smile A LOT with your review. Thanks for it. As for your question the CHOCOLATE DIGESTIVES actually sprouted legs and tap-danced IN the tupperware so it would have made a tappy noise. And what is reality? Also scuse my 24/7 ignorance but what is a anurism? Anyhoo thanks! How was this?**


	4. Library Books and Echos

**Chapter 4**

Voldemort heard the seven o' Clock chime from the old clock in the hall. He sat stiffly and then decided.

'It must be a joke from Blake! Of course it is! Why would Wormtail write something like that'

Voldemort repeated this over and over again.

Getting up he stretched from his up-right position in the arm chair and came to an idea.

_If it was Blake, he would be waiting at the library to see me and Wormtail arrive! Right I'll go there now and hide and wait for Blake to emerge. Let's see how he likes a little 'joke'._

Voldemort sneaked along the corridors, in the shadows to make doubly sure he wouldn't be caught.

As he entered the library certain that Wormtail would be there, equally confused and worried he slid through the oak doors.

As he cast around he found no one there...

_Great, stood up but someone **I** was going to stand-up…_

Suddenly there was movement by the door and caught unaware Voldemort was stuck in the middle of the room with nowhere to hide. He dived undignified under the sofa opposite a red, comfy armchair.

It was Wormtail.

He shuffled in looking slightly embarrassed, clutching an identical letter to Voldemort's. He could smell the stench of the perfume from his hiding place. Wormtail crept across the room looking right and left before settling down in the red armchair.

Voldemort was stuck, with nowhere to go.

Then it seemed that Wormtail had changed his mind and decided to sit on the sofa. The one which Voldemort was hiding under. The sofa sagged under his weight and it pressured on Voldemort's head. He was gradually getting squashed seeing as the height of the sofa's bottom and the floor was very narrow.

He let out a wheeze of breathe and the sofa went still.

A head appeared over the side. Wormtail's.

'Er….Sir…' He said getting all flustered. 'What are you doing under the sofa?'

Voldemort glanced about quickly for something good enough to work as an excuse.

He eyes fell on the disused fire in the corner of the room.

'I was ...er… cold. So I erm… huddled under the sofa, to get some warmth.'

Wormtail gave him a funny look, and then a voice echoed round the library. It sounded remarkably like Blake's.

'_I'm sure Wormtail will keep you warm. Huddle like penguins. Did you know that when penguins choose a mate they stay together for LIFE?'_

Blushing furiously Wormtail helped Voldemort up from under the sofa.

An awkward silence followed before another echo came round.

'_If your having trouble with conversation on your first date, talk about your interests and what you like doing. For example, you Lord Voldemort like killing, injuring, murdering and writing pretty poetry about rabbits and rainbows.'_

Voldemort leapt up. 'I'm going to KILL him!'

He ran round the library demolishing the shelves and ripping books off and throwing them behind him.

Unable to find Blake, he stormed out of the library in a rage.

Wormtail was still standing quite shell-shocked in the middle of the room.

'_Remember. If your boyfriend dumps you before you get chance to dump him, tell everyone it was YOUR decision.'_

Wormtail looked terrified before running to the door skidding on '1001 ways to injure someone with evilness' and slamming the door behind him.

Blake ripped off his invisibility cloak and laughed loudly.

The echoing laughter followed Wormtail back to his room where he immediately started looking up on 'how to banish ghosts.'

A/N WELL! That was loads of fun to write. I don't know how good it will appear to you lot but what the hey! - Thanks to everyone that reviewed and next chapter is unpredictable.. so sorry!

**Pia O' Leary: **OMG! I can't believe you killed her! I can't wait for the sequel! But what happened to Bethany! Did you kill her too? :'(! I don't get kudos points cos I don't know where 'Its pink… and scented comes from… Sorry. Anyway how was this deary? (I wants kudos points -)

**LuNa LoVeGoOd5: **Thank you Rach! Your fics are marvy too! You've done so many - Thank you…. How was this chappy?

**Paganicewand:** THANK YOU! I love Blake too. He's gorgy porgy! After we've finished shooting Blake: The Movie, I'm taking him home and putting him in a picture frame over my mantelpiece. But never fear for I shall make cardboard cut-outs of him so you can buy them off EBay…


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